The media always exaggerates, and headlines make things sound far worse than they are. So when the story broke that a petrol crisis was imminent I assumed that this was also hyperbole.
Driving into work on Monday I was more than a little surprised to see a sandwich board outside my local petrol station with the message “Sorry. No Fuel”. Reckoning that the more remote garages were being put at the back of the tanker queue I continued on my way. However, I found the same situation in all three of the towns through which I commute. No petrol station on my 20-mile route had fuel available and that’s when the panic set in.
The Never Ending Worry!
“ Then the questions: What if I got to work and couldn’t get home? What if I couldn’t get to work and I was fired? What if one of the kids was ill in the night and we couldn’t take them to hospital? Who says autistic people have no imagination?!”
Why the anxiety levels began to soar remain a mystery. The fuel gauge showed half a tank of diesel - enough for at least three days. But then what? The usual scenes of doom and gloom began to descend behind my eyes. I could see me running out of juice on the A5 and causing a thirty-mile tailback. Next, I’d conk out on a busy roundabout and get shunted by a coach into oncoming traffic. Then the questions: What if I got to work and couldn’t get home? What if I couldn’t get to work and I was fired? What if one of the kids was ill in the night and we couldn’t take them to hospital? Who says autistic people have no imagination?!
Anxiety & Autism
The worry stayed with me all day. When you’re consumed with anxiety, and autistic people are especially prone, it becomes impossible to concentrate on anything besides that thing which is causing you stress. You cannot focus which means you cannot listen to people and you talk without knowing what it is that you are saying. You become clumsier and more aloof than usual. All you want to do is to solve the issue so that things can get back to normal.
“ It is stupid. I’m well aware of that. At no time was I at risk of running low let alone running out. But it’s the same every time I’m faced with uncertainty. Even the smallest molehill sized issue can trigger an entire mountain range of worry."
I tried my usual coping strategies, but nothing could block the worry. I worked through the breathing techniques, but the problem was still there. Running out of fuel would signify running out of control. My routine would be lost. I wouldn’t be able to do what I needed to do and be where I was supposed to be. Long queues at forecourts is something that simply should not happen and reports of irate customers and even fights breaking out were just stoking the anxiety fire.
By bedtime I had worked myself up into such a tizz that I could not get to sleep. I dropped off for half an hour but had a dream that I ran out of petrol somewhere in Afghanistan. I know! At half past four I decided to get up rather than wallow in worry. At six o’clock I left the house and as I was passing the nearest service station (still displaying a “No Fuel” board) I noticed a man filling his car. I slammed on the brakes and pulled onto the forecourt. The relief as I filled up was almost tangible. It felt like I was being stretched. The stress was being ironed out of my stomach and my shoulders felt looser. Paying for the fuel I felt like I had really achieved something and that I could at last enjoy some calm respite.
It is stupid. I’m well aware of that. At no time was I at risk of running low let alone running out. But it’s the same every time I’m faced with uncertainty. Even the smallest molehill sized issue can trigger an entire mountain range of worry.
A diversion on the way to work will throw me for days. The mere threat of snow induces panic. A fall out with a friend can reduce me to tears. The thought of going to a busy party makes me feel sick. Wherever I go I seem to be lugging a rucksack filled with fear and catastrophic thoughts. Sometimes the contents can spill out and then I know I’m in trouble. Dealing with one worry is hard, coping with several at the same time feels impossible.
Around half of all autistic people are significantly affected by anxiety. It’s difficult to have strategies for dealing with it as anxiety often catches you unaware as well as when you are at your most vulnerable. It is important to remain grounded and to remind yourself that you are OK even in the midst of what seems to be a crisis.
Coping Strategies
The trusty oil infused handkerchief and rubber bands help to bring me back. As soon as I can I try to find a room where I can be alone and can work on breathing techniques and rest my brain from external stimuli.
When I’m feeling low, I try to list my worries on paper. That helps me to see exactly what I’m facing. My head when stressed is a mish mash of blurred images which whirl around at a hundred miles an hour making me dizzy and tired. Once written down I am able to analyse the individual issues and often realise that they do not need to cause me so much trouble. Those that are concerns can be dissected and hopefully treated, usually by letting others in on the problem.
Sharing genuine worries is important. Since getting diagnosed I feel more empowered because I know there is a reason why I struggle. I am starting to voice my concerns, especially if they are to do with work. Those closest to me know that I get stressed easily and it is reassuring to have people who are happy to listen. Sometimes when you hear yourself articulating an issue you stumble across a solution yourself or find you’re not that worried about it at all!
Sleep is important in combatting anxiety, but I am all too familiar with those nights when your head just won’t let your body rest. You toss and turn and there is no way you can relax. For me there is no better solution than exercise. I like to run alone along quiet lanes surrounded by nature. My senses are opened to the beauty and tranquillity of the natural world. I run hard or far, or both, so that my body gets a good work out and I am exhausted by the time I’m home. This almost always results in a good night’s sleep. I find my anxiety gets eroded by exercise and I always feel more positive after a run.
Music plays such an important role in my life. I have go to groups that have been with me since my teenage years and I am able to get immersed in their songs. They help me to forget my worries and give me strength to overcome hurdles. As I have gotten older classical music has also become a great comfort to me and playing the guitar takes my mind off everything.
Anxiety has made life hard and I know that it will continue to do so. I don’t think there is a way of avoiding it but the trick is surely learning how to handle it. For me the three Rs of writing, running and Rachmaninov are frequently successful but each of us will have our own methods for dealing with distress. Here are seven you may not have tried:
Meditation – this doesn’t need to be deeply spiritual or have any religious attachment. Just sit (try crossing your legs if comfortable) in a quiet, darkened room, close your eyes. Take a deep breath for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, breathe out for 5 seconds. Repeat.
Listening to music in a darkened room is an amazing experience. Sounds become more intense when your sight is rested.
Engage in creative activity such as writing, painting or drawing. Art is a great way of combatting stress and worry. Use it to distract yourself or to tackle the problem head on. I can still while away hours building with the kids’ Lego!
Sporcle Quizzes – typing in the US states, all the English football league clubs or the countries of Africa takes your mind off anything and is strangely addictive!
Photo wall – create a photo wall of the people and places which mean most to you. Use it when you’re low to remind of the good times you have had and will have again. I love looking through old photo albums and find the glossy feel of photos soothing.
Filing – I find it relaxing to sort things. I like to arrange and rearrange my CD and book collection putting them in alphabetical order, sorting them by genre or in chronological order. It gives me a little bit of control and structure. My CDs are logged on a spreadsheet with the individual track listings. I know there are Apps which can do this but that’s not the point!
Special Interest – there is nothing better than (or wrong with!) pursuing a special interest. For me that is reading about the Holocaust, fungi, football stadia or watching Star Wars for the nth time! Stamp collecting is also good for relaxing.
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