SHATTERED GLASS
I wasn’t planning on writing this evening but how I’m feeling right now is exactly why this blog exists. Driving home from work a stone struck my windscreen with a loud whack. I thought nothing of it at the time but once I was back a large crack had formed across the passenger side of the screen. Of course panic set in and I started to think how many problems it was going to cause.
As the damage is significant, and due to Covid regulations, the car must be taken to one of three local centres. By local I mean 20 miles away. I was shocked to see there is a 3 week wait at two of the centres but have succeeded in booking an appointment at the third in two days’ time. To get to the appointment I will need to leave work early, drive an hour and a quarter, wait for two hours while the work is done and then drive back in the dark. This already seems very daunting. I now have two whole days of worry before the windscreen is fixed and I know it will take me at least two more to get over it. This is the problem with these unforeseen surprises.
I’m not mad. I can see that this is a trivial incident in the grand scheme of things and I know that I will be fine. I feel silly because I know that most people would not be bothered in the slightest and have far greater problems. The issue is simply that this is not normal and it is going to impact upon the things I normally do. I won’t be driving my car and will have to borrow my partner’s. That is not something I usually do. I will have to tell my school that I need to leave early and am already anticipating a negative reaction. Not completing the school day or having any change to it always throws me. On Thursday morning a remembrance service is being held which is changing lesson times and will further confuse me. Then there is the drive to a place I’ve never been, combined with a two hour wait in a strange venue with the possibility of coming into contact with strange / new people. That’s not what I do. That will be the hardest part for me for sure.
So what am I going to do? Well I’m trying to eliminate as much of the anxiety as I can. I have notified my line manager with a text message and will see the cover supervisor first thing in the morning so that I am not stressing about that all day. I have printed off the address of where I will be going and have Googled the route and the location. I will save the postcode on to my Sat Nav and have already saved it onto my phone. I am taking work and a laptop so that I can get my head down for the two hours and not need to make eye contact or engage with other people. I’ll wear my “I am autistic” lanyard as I find that helps to encourage others to give me a wide berth.
This is what people don’t see. The behind the scenes. The huge amount of effort that goes into preparing to deal with everyday situations. I will be imagining and playing out the afternoon in my head for the next 40 hours so that I am as ready as I can be to confront whatever awaits. In effect I am hoping time will pass quickly, essentially wishing my life away and when this mini ordeal is over, I’ll be able to recover if only to have enough energy to deal with the next one.
I don’t think neurotypical people can really understand the feelings that a sudden change to routine can bring. I’m not talking about the meltdown which can unfold as the emotions bubble over nor the need to scratch, bite or punch that frequently comes with a lack of control. I mean the constant cloud of confusion that sits overhead until things are back to normal. My head freezes while my heart speeds up and my eyes burn. My mind goes blank. I feel like I’m not really in my body anymore and I’m hovering above looking down. I cannot focus on anything and I become clumsy and unbalanced. I crave the warm feeling of reassurance that everything is once again as it should be. It’s not just my windscreen that needs to be fixed.
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