Wow! It’s been ages. Months. The last time I wrote a blog was back in the summer. I’ve wanted to write but it’s been impossible. In September, as mentioned in an earlier article (https://www.40autism.com/post/coping-with-change), I started a new job and it has been one of the most difficult things I have done. Coping with any change is demanding but getting to grips with a new daily routine, a different route to work, as well as lots of new colleagues, students and classrooms has been far more overwhelming and exhausting than I could ever have imagined.
After 17 years in the same job, I had become reliant upon the familiar. I would park in the same place, follow the same sequences of lessons, teach in the same room, and see the same faces, most of whom I never spoke to beyond a mumbled Good Morning. My autism is the reason I stayed in the same place for so long and yet it’s also the reason I have moved on.
Getting a diagnosis of ASC made me realise a lot about myself. I was able to understand why certain things seem difficult and could predict in which situations I was likely to struggle. Once I had processed the diagnosis and had stopped feeling scared, resentful, and angry with the world, I was able to accept who I am and to acknowledge my strengths and limitations. As with many adults diagnosed late on, I felt short-changed. If I had known about ASC earlier, how might school, university and life in general have been different?
While you can’t change the past, you can change the future. I was determined that my diagnosis would be the start of a new way of living. To embrace a new life, I needed to leave behind the job where I had made so many mistakes and had always attempted to mask the real me. I wanted a new challenge, a blank canvas and an opportunity to work without having to hide my autism.
As painful and upsetting as it was to walk away from my trusted workplace and some amazing people, I can finally say that the change has been worth it. Having disclosed my autism before the initial interview, the senior staff are already aware of my condition. I have promised myself that I will be open and honest about my autism without necessarily shouting it from the rooftops. Part of the first training day involved staff getting into pairs to develop coaching skills. As usual my mind went completely blank but rather than stress and get angry and upset, I simply told my partner that I needed some time to think because I am autistic. I would never have done that before and it really helped! My partner gave me time and I was able to relax and process what I needed to do.
The lights in my low-ceilinged classroom are very bright but the caretaker kindly removed the bulbs around my desk once I had made him aware of my autism. The diagnosis has given me the courage and confidence to finally speak up for myself and to ask for changes which make things easier. My closest colleague is aware that I am constantly anxious and stress about almost everything, and she regularly asks me how I am and if I need any help. Having someone on your side who seems to understand is so helpful.
I’m writing this blog to show that changes can be made. Adapting to change is incredibly hard but it is possible and as I am finding now, extremely worthwhile. The lead up to the change brought weeks of worry and sleepless nights. Some of the nasty habits of old returned and that stupid voice in my head told me I had made a huge mistake. I had a feeling of dread and fully expected, as I always do, everything to go wrong. It hasn’t! Making the change has given me self-belief and optimism. I look forward to going to work and I feel lucky to have been given this new opportunity.
I am in a good place at the moment and when you’re feeling positive it is easier to be strong and to stick to your guns. “Make sure you visit the staff room to talk to your colleagues”. Years ago, I would have taken that as an instruction and forced myself along, only to highlight how aloof and inept I am when it comes to socialising. Years ago, I would have beaten myself up for not being able to initiate a conversation or for needing to escape from a noisy, crowded room. Now I accept that I am quiet, and both prefer and need my own company. I know that if I don’t eat alone in my classroom (with the lights off of course) I’ll be irritable and impatient with the kids all afternoon.
Hopefully the worst parts of dealing with this change are over and some things and feelings can return to normal. I have started to read once again and last week devoured three novels back-to-back. I haven’t been able to focus on a long book since before diagnosis so something positive is going on! For the first time in a long while I have been able to return to poetry and of course our blog which I hope will help someone somewhere to make any changes from which they feel they might benefit. Be brave but be you.
TEN TOP TIPS FOR THAT NEW JOB 😊
1. Consider disclosing your autism before interview and ask for some reasonable adjustments to be made. You know you will not be able to process questions as fast as most of the other candidates so ask if the interview questions could be made available to you a few days in advance.
2. Ask if you can refer to written notes throughout the interview. You don’t have to write a script but maybe you could jot down some ideas to prompt you?
3. To help with the stress and panic you know you will face at interview ask for the names and if possible, photos of the people who will be on the interview panel.
4. Ask for a map of the site / plan of the building in advance. Look at relevant websites and Google Earth to familiarize yourself with the layout of the place.
5. Try to think of all the positive things you have achieved in your life. Write them down and tell yourself that there is no reason on earth why this next chapter in your life should turn sour.
6. Remember that over time, every job will become more routine and more predictable. It will be tough getting used to changes but the more you do something the more it becomes normal.
7. Think about the benefits of the new job. How will it be good for you and what advantages might it bring? This could be better pay, more time with family, less travel so less money spent on fuel or maybe just a fresh start?
8. Accept autism will make parts of your job harder. In the same way as you have learnt and are learning to live with your autism, you will learn how to work with it. Don’t get despondent or angry when you are finding something difficult which everyone else seems to be able to do with ease.
9. Don’t suffer in silence! If your line manager is aware of your autism, they can help you by making reasonable adjustments in the workplace. The Equality Act of 2010 means that employers are obliged to support you in any way they can.
10. Perfectionism is part of our condition! We want to do everything to the highest standard. Remember that this is not always so for other people and while you may think you could be doing better, in reality you’re more than likely doing a great job!
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