Wherever I go, I like to take my phone or camera with me. Photography is not my hobby, and I can’t say I’m any good at it. Photographs trigger memories and remind us of things we have seen and done, and of people we have met.
People with autism are almost constantly anxious. We worry. A lot. Aside from the health issues which anxiety brings, it has the annoying impact of stopping us from enjoying the here and now. Routine and sticking to familiar places are the safe option. Going somewhere new can be scary because it is unpredictable, and it is impossible to imagine what it will be like. Spending so much time and effort worrying about the future and how things might turn out, means it can be hard or even impossible to focus on the present.
Photographs allow me to replay a day out or a visit to somewhere when I am back in the comfort and safety of my own home. Often, I am unable to appreciate how amazing something is until I can reflect upon exactly what it is I have seen. The stress and worry which follow me around mean that I am having to think about other things or am trying to prepare myself for what might come next.
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called present"
The above words are from the wise Master Oogway in the animated movie Kung Fu Panda (I don’t go highbrow!) and it is hard to disagree with them. The past is gone but it is important to keep the most positive parts alive. We can learn a lot from our experiences, and these are the things which shape us.
The future is indeed mysterious and secretive which makes it the nemesis of the autistic mind. I have been told to draw on my previous experiences to convince myself that the next time I do something, that thing will be easier. While this works to an extent, there is always the possibility that something different could happen because that’s life, right?
The present should be a gift and I am well aware how lucky I am to, be healthy and free and to have the most supportive family and friends. Yet, on the cusp of turning 45, I still panic when I see people I do not know, worry when I am going somewhere new, and freak out when there is an unexpected change to my schedule. I completely understand why some people on the spectrum struggle to leave the house and why some are unable to communicate.
I used to worry about why I worry! Since coming to terms with diagnosis, I have accepted that anxiety is inevitable, and it is never going to go away. Last week I met a lady who has autism and we were able to share stories and coping strategies. Hearing that someone else has to park in the same spot, has to Google Earth every journey, and gets through a large pot of chewing gum a week was refreshing and reassuring.
So, I’ll keep taking photos and I’ll still flick through albums and scroll through pictures on my phone. I can take my time and not be rushed. This I think is so important for anyone on the spectrum or with anxiety issues. We need time to think as not to make decisions we may regret.
At meetings I have learnt to ask for written minutes as I can never remember what was discussed. Anxiety makes it hard to concentrate, while my autism means I am desperate to get back to a safe place. For this reason, I refuse to make decisions on the spot and prefer to ask for time to consider the options. I have learnt that there is no point asking someone for directions as I cannot process the information I am given fast enough. If I have to ask the way, I make notes which I can read afterwards.
This storing of information to review later is something at which the autistic brain is quite adept. Certain smells, feelings and places can trigger vivid memories which can feel very real. These memories can be happy or sad and are powerful enough to induce an involuntary laugh or to set off tears. “Autistic replay” may explain why an individual becomes upset for seemingly no reason or looks to have found something amusing in a grave situation.
Autistic replay kicks in at night. When the lights go off and all stimuli are removed, the brain kicks into overdrive and every social interaction from that day is played over and over. Every conversation is analysed and over thought. Rewind and replay, considering how we could have done better, said something smarter, avoided certain issues. Our performance from today/yesterday is harshly criticised and scorned.
Words that may not have been derogatory are examined under an autistic microscope until we are convinced that there is a negative sentiment attached. Written messages are the worst because these words can be read and the only way to forget about them is to delete them. A lot of texts and Emails get deleted which makes it tricky to be organised and to know what is going on.
Autistic replay cannot be turned off and can keep the individual awake for hours. Reading and music before bed can help, provided the brain is able to focus. Sometimes it just cannot. Exercise is brilliant for a good night’s sleep. A long run exhausts me physically and mentally so that my brain has no choice but to switch off.
This rumination and self-analysis is unhelpful. I have found it useful to make notes at the end of the day on things I have done well and things I need to do tomorrow. I find that having words on a page reduces the number of things in my head, perhaps the reason I have returned to writing poetry over the last six years.
Flicking through my many photo albums is also extremely therapeutic. Photographer Roger Kingston said : “a camera is a save button for the mind's eye”. The photos we keep are snapshots of the best parts of our lives. They provide only happy memories, as the difficult and stressful times we encounter never find themselves in front of the lense. Photos remind us how awesome life is, and provide evidence of our achievements and successes which can never be taken away.
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