My autism lets me feel and see things that most others miss. It helps me run, write and think...
I am 44 years old and have been with my soulmate and remarkable partner Emma since we met at university in 1995. We have two children and live on the edge of beautiful Cannock Chase in Staffordshire. In 2020 I was diagnosed as being autistic / having Asperger's syndrome.
Looking back the signs were always there. As a kid I’d make any excuse to get out of going to a birthday party. Sleepless nights in the run up to returning to school. Wetting myself in class because the teacher said we couldn’t leave our seats. Watching the other kids play at break time. Stressing out in the run up to holidays. I always enjoyed them but it didn’t feel normal to be away from home. At school I had few friends and was bullied. As I got older things got tougher. I was too scared to enter a classroom when late and if I knew a lesson would have an emphasis on speaking I would truant. In Year 12 I had a breakdown and was off school for weeks.
Exams were difficult. I found it hard to enter and remain in the large, crowded venues as I struggled to catch my breath. Moving to Birmingham for university was a huge deal and were it not for the most amazing girl in the world I would have quit after a few weeks. I hated it. I attended as few lectures as possible. The number of students, the busy lecture rooms and intense seminars were an autistic person’s nightmare, except of course I didn’t even know there was a spectrum, let alone that I was on it.
During my final exams I was diagnosed with IBS after years of stomach complaints. Getting a job was hard as interviews rarely go well. Eye contact and small talk are alien to me and in a stressful situation I still go mute. Even if I want to say something, nothing comes out! I was lucky to secure my initial teaching post. Lucky in that none of the other candidates turned up! I loved working with the children but I struggled with many of the staff. The deputy headmistress complained to my line manager that I had no social skills.
If I had a penny for every time someone has told me to speak up, contribute, stand up for myself or even smile then I would be a multi-millionaire. I work hard and keep my head down. As long as you’re doing a decent job, people leave you alone. I took on a leadership role but quickly gave it up when it was obvious that I could not deal with the stress and was not cut out to line manage nor able to hold conversations with new people. I have never been able to comfortably use a telephone.
Having children is a huge deal for anyone and for me the experience highlighted my flaws and weaknesses. Parties, discos (with strobe lights and thumping music) and waiting at the school gates. Going to a café and not being able to ask for ketchup for the kids or complain their food is cold. Feeling anxious every day and lacking self-esteem. Stressed out when the usual parking space is taken. Reduced to tears by a diversion. Bewildered by Christmas lights. Unable to start a conversation. Panic at the thought of going out. Everyone looks angry and says strange things yet they all seem to get along. Over the years my suspicions grew but I was too confused and afraid to find out.
My mental health began to decline and what little confidence I had was fast disappearing. Eventually I had sunk to such a level that I knew I had to do something. Year of counselling had been unsuccessful and several counsellors plus my GP recommended I seek a diagnosis. In October 2020 I was officially on the AS.
Despite all the above I wouldn’t change anything. My autism lets me feel and see things that most others miss. It helps me run, write and think. The emotion and joy that I find in music, literature and nature can be so intense that I feel truly blessed.
It doesn't that I’m different. I value the few friends I have and I am lucky to have a supportive and loving family. If it weren’t for autism I wouldn’t be me.
I know what it feels like to be lost and confused before, during and after diagnosis. I want to help others who are going through difficult times by sharing and listening to stories and strategies. I am determined that my diagnosis is a New Dawn.
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