Every day we interact with other people be that by choice or because we must. Locking the front door, and leaving behind loved ones and the safety of home, we brace ourselves for an onslaught of new faces and unscripted dialogue. There are colleagues at work, cashiers at the supermarket, dentists, doctors, hairdressers and of course, the general public.
Life demands that we are social and in order to succeed we are expected to communicate. There is also huge pressure to have friends. Lots of them. It is not unusual for people to have hundreds of friends on Facebook, and many people seem to have them on tap in real life.
The stereotype of an autistic person is someone with no social skills, and who chooses to be a loner. This is not true. Autistic individuals crave social contact just not as much as neurotypicals and not in the same way.
Autistic people find it hard to establish new relationships. They might look disinterested when listening to conversation and not be able to join in, either because they feel they have nothing to contribute or because at time they simply cannot speak. Group situations often bring too much distress for them to be able to relax enough to focus on what is being said. Remember too that being in a new environment may also pose a challenge. Walking into a pub or restaurant, where we have not been before, makes us anxious and often overwhelmed.
Many autistic people dislike being in the spotlight. When I am introduced to a group of people I instantly freeze as I feel I have become the centre of attention. Parties and social gatherings induce anxiety often from the minute that they are announced. If I know I have an event to attend I will begin to worry days in advance.
Autistic people tend to talk about a restricted range of topics which can get tedious for others. They also prefer to talk in depth about one theme rather than lots of different topics which goes against what is usually expected. They cannot usually make small talk and prefer not to speak when people are just "chatting". The more anxious they are, the quieter they become, and as autism and anxiety co-exist, it can be very hard to talk to an autistic person.
For the reasons above, autistic people find it hard to make friends. They may also suffer from such low self-esteem that they doubt anyone would find them interesting. Unsurprisingly people on the spectrum have far fewer friends than neurotypicals but these friendships are often more intense and long lasting. Gillian Drew says in his excellent book A Guide for the Newly Diagnosed: “In friendships, we can often want to be the very best of friends or not at all.”
However, as their friendship group is smaller it means that they are more likely to worry about their friends, and constantly stress that they are doing / have done something wrong. Autistic people can be very clingy and even become jealous when their friends see another friend as they cannot understand why this friend feels a need for social contact beyond what they can offer.
It is useful to disclose your diagnosis to your closest friend(s) as this helps them to understand what they can do to make you feel more relaxed. Many autistic people prefer their own company and there are times (often due to anxiety) when it may be necessary to cancel meet ups or pull out of social events. It is important that friends are aware of this so that they do not feel let down should this happen.
If your friend is aware of your strengths and weaknesses, there is less pressure to initiate and maintain the conversation which helps you to relax. You can plan the timing and venue for meet ups between you and consider when will be least busy, where will be the best place to sit and what you might be doing.
FRIENDSHIP FRIEND TIPS
These have been assigned to the autistic friend (AS) and non-autistic friend (Non–AS) or BOTH.
AS - remember that you can be very demanding / high maintenance. Never take your friend for granted and remember how hard it may be for them. Remember to ask them how they are and what they have been doing.
Non-AS – Try to accept the other’s limitations/weaknesses and try to make them feel relaxed. Consider noise and lights inside the venue as well as crowds.
BOTH - Plan meet ups together! The AS friend may struggle with spontaneity and will appreciate advance notice. This is also true of phone calls which can be very stressful.
AS – You will benefit from some extra planning! Look online for a layout of the venue, the menu, directions etc. Consider some ideas for possible topics of conversation – you can always jot these down on paper or on your phone.
Non-AS – Understand that your friend may struggle to go into a venue alone. Wait for them outside and go in together. Recognise too that they may find queuing up to order drinks a struggle (they can still pay though!)
AS – Don’t expect your friend to sort everything, wait on you hand and foot just because they know you are a little different. Be as brave as you can but do say something if you are truly uncomfortable.
Non-AS - On occasions the AS friend may have to decline an invitation depending on how they are feeling and what kind of a day they are having. This does not mean they don’t want to see you! Some autistic people can only spend a certain amount of time with friends before they need to be alone to recharge their batteries!
BOTH - As with all friendships be honest and tell each other how you are feeling. Never assume that your friend knows how you are deep inside. Remember that AS people may have difficulties reading facial expressions and gestures.
AS - Listen to your mate! Be careful not to talk non-top about yourself or your interests. Friendship is a two-way thing, and your friend deserves to be heard.
Non-AS – Be aware that you are very important to your friend. They probably have a small circle of friends and have chosen to put their trust in you!
BOTH - Remember that text messages can be read in different ways. The AS friend may misread the tone of a text or not realise that something was being said as a joke.
AS - It is not a weakness to have few friends. Quality is far more important than quantity. There is nothing wrong with preferring to be alone.
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