My first half marathon
This time next week it will be underway. I’ll be ten minutes into my first half marathon with around two hours of running ahead of me. It’s something I have always wanted to do but have shied away from as it seems such a daunting experience. That’s not to say I’m relaxed and ready. Far from it. The sleepless nights have kicked in, my fists clench when I think about it and I’m already convincing myself that I will probably bottle it before the start.
“When I’m running I am free and at last I feel I can cope! I actually start to feel pretty good about myself because in trainers I can achieve something.”
Almost a year on from diagnosis I am trying. Not always doing but trying. Trying to do things which I may not completely want to and which are outside my limited and limiting comfort zone. I am running to raise money for the NAS which I am hoping will give me the incentive to pound thirteen miles of Stafford streets. Though if I’m honest I’m running mainly for myself.
I’m hoping this run will give me the confidence to tackle other challenges. I don’t mean jumping out of a plane or attempting to climb Everest but perhaps to be able to take my youngest to a birthday party or to watch my eldest play football without having to stand miles away from the other parents. Maybe I’ll be able to park in a different place and perhaps venture inside a shop I’ve never been in. Step by step though and there’s a lot of steps in 21km.
Running has played such a huge part in helping me deal with a tough four years. When everything came undone it kept me sane and gave me goals. I started small with regular 5k runs which soon got longer as I got fitter but mainly as I began to crave more time on my own. Running offers time to think and to forget about all the worries that life brings. When I’m running I am free and at last I feel I can cope! I actually start to feel pretty good about myself because in trainers I can achieve something. I’m in complete control and I don’t have to follow instructions or even speak to people.
Having an active lifestyle can be difficult for people who are on the spectrum. The thought of going out to exercise in public is intimidating and visiting a gym or using a public pool would be an immense challenge for many. Our poor social and frequently underdeveloped motor skills make team sports particularly unappealing. Many autistic people are prescribed medication which causes them to gain weight and exercise is essential to prevent obesity and health issues. Exercise has a positive impact on mental health and helps us to stay in shape. I find that running lifts my mood and is a valve for my autism which would otherwise boil over and leave me angry, depressed and hurting.
Of course going for a jog is never a walk in the park. If I see people when I’m running then I do my best to avoid them in case I have to make small talk or am asked for directions. The monotony of following the same routes can further lessen the appeal but straying from the regular path has the same effect as a diversion on the way to work and the anxiety is something I can run without.
The hardest part of the half marathon won’t be the distance but the 3000 participants. Being surrounded by a huge crowd and exposed to so many individuals throughout the run is a scary thought. The road closures, the logistics of how am I getting there (and back), the scarcity of toilets and the fear of failure have already become nagging worries. This fear of failure follows me everywhere but maybe this will be the day when I finally manage to outrun it.
I need to remember that this run isn’t about me. It’s all about the money being raised and about boosting the profile of autism in the community. It’s about encouraging people to get fit. It’s about getting people to come together to support each other as we try to achieve PBs, to run a solid first half-marathon or simply to complete the course. It’s also about waving a middle finger at the Covid virus and reclaiming some of the freedom of which we have been deprived for so long.
But deep inside, and maybe I am selfish and only think of myself, this run is totally about me. I need to prove to myself that I can do “new” things, go to “new” places and I can do things on my own. I won’t be hiding behind my kid or holding my partner’s hand. I’ll be alone. With 2999 others yet all alone. If (I really don’t think I can say when) I start and complete this chosen ordeal then it could be the springboard to so much more. This could give me the confidence to try things, the self-esteem to hold my head up and the belief that I can achieve all those things I dream of. The now so distant finishing line won’t be the end of my race but the starting point for something very special.
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