Low self-esteem is common among people with autism. Some people have a negative perception of themselves and their worth and might not feel good about who they are or what they do. Autism is a spectrum, meaning it affects people differently, so every individual’s experience with low self-esteem will vary. Nevertheless, people with low self-esteem often focus on their flaws and weaknesses, feel unworthy of love or respect, and may struggle with feelings of insecurity or self-doubt. It can affect many areas of life, such as relationships, work, and personal happiness.
Low self esteem means that you expect things to go wrong and that you are waiting to fail. Even though there is no logical reason for a possibility of things going pear shaped we simply fear the worst. We doubt our abilities and question our decisions and frequently feel like we’re not good enough. We constantly compare ourselves to others and so often feel like we don’t measure up. I have been told so many times that I am my own worst critic and that I should speak up for myself. Being told these things when you lack the confidence to say anything in front of others simply makes things worse.
Struggling in social situations highlights the fact we are a little different and can make us feel inept. Crowds and parties are horrendous for many of us, yet most people are comfortable in groups. Communication difficulties and sensory sensitivities add to the negative feelings, and we often feel a pressure to try to fit in.
Not knowing why we are finding everyday things tough is confusing, stressful and upsetting. I spent years beating myself up over why I couldn’t bear to go to certain places on my own, why I couldn’t talk in front of groups and why I am always anxious in situations where everyone else is so relaxed. Getting a diagnosis allowed me to research and learn how to cope better and I firmly believe that some individuals will not be able to accept themselves unless they receive the piece of paper which confirms why they are the way they are.
A poem I wrote in 2018 before I received my diagnosis.
ATTRITION
Old, grey eyes worn down with bags for life.
Years of tears and sleepless nights. R
eflection adds rejection; even he won’t look at me.
Slowly sinking into a stagnant quagmire of bloodstained tissues and mid-life issues
This self-esteem train has failed and derailed.
Fighting to stay afloat on a sea of maybes and labels.
Spinning plates, autistic traits, short on mates, not able
To introduce myself or hold a conversation.
The guy against the wall who’s useless in a shopping mall
And melts in confrontation.
Trudging up sand dunes of anguish. So often misunderstanding.
Waving my arms to ward off bad charms. To stop the vultures landing.
While they circle for carrion I try to carry on but it’s never been this tough?
Small comfort zone. Afraid of phones. Not sure what I’ve got
Though I’ve never been more confident that my confidence is shot.
© The Autistic Poet
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